How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Two. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the other and take all the credit.

2) None. There is no honor in changing a light bulb, besides, a true warrior isn’t afraid of the dark.

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Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one …

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail”.

Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.”

The third convict, a blonde man, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said “I brought these.”

The other two were puzzled and asked – “What can you do with those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said – “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating …”

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A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man …

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”

She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?” The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures, mouthing “EYE KNEE – THE RAKE.”

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her “What in the heck was that?”

She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”

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How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) “I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow’s morning.”
2) “You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!”
3) “We haven’t got a policy on that”.
4) “I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we’ll discuss it some other time.”
5) Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.

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As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year- …

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

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