A Chinese man rings his boss and says: Me sick I cann`t come to work.
The Boss says: “when I am sick, I fuck my wife … try that?”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back and says: “Me better now you got a nice house!”
Posts in category Jokes
What not to say to the nice policeman: …
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
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A woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is…
A woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
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At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They …
At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an “A” so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go the next town over and party with some friends there.
They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Sydney until early Monday morning – the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the exam and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to another town to do some research over the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they only just arrived now!
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night – all night – and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. Cool, they all thought in their separate rooms, “this is going to be easy.”
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire?
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Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One …
Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other uses a wreath.
Their husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man says: “I’d better watch my wife, she came home last night with no knickers!”
The other man says: “That’s nothing, mine had a card wedged up her ass saying: we’ll never forget you, from all the boys at the fire station.”
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The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals – a carpenter, an …
The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals – a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed – with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
“Dear Friends, we didn’t mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I’m going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!”
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up …
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, “Hi, there, good looking’! How’s it going’?”
She, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: “Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-out love it!”
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, “No kidding! I’m a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?
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An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair …
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, “maybe I’ll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!”
The vendor said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.”
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, “those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about.” Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long alligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the alligator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, “Damn, this one doesn’t have any shoes either!”
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There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and …
There once was a bear and a rabbit and they hated each other. The bear and rabbit then stumbled upon a magical talking tree. The tree said: “I will grant you 3 wishes a piece if you will stop fighting!”
So the bear went first. “I wish all the bears in the forest are females.” And all the bears in the forest turned into females.
The rabbit said: “I wish I had a helmet.” Rabbit gets the helmet and the bear looks at him funny.
The bear wishes: “I wish all the bears in the country are females.” The wish was granted.
The rabbit says, “I wish I have a motorcycle.” By this point the bear thinks the rabbit is the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. The rabbit could wish for money and have all the motorcycles in the world.
The bear says: “I wish all the bears in the world are female.” The wish is granted.
When it’s the rabbit’s turn to wish, he puts on his helmet, gets on his motorcycle, and says: “I wish that bear is gay.”
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Yo momma is so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma is so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
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Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world. …
Adam and Eve were the happiest and luckiest couple in the world.
Neither of them had a mother-in-law!
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One day, Little Johnny’s teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name …
One day, Little Johnny’s teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!”
“Ice cream, ma’am!” Little Mary answered.
“Good, Mary.” Miss Figpot said, “Anyone else?”. “How about a lollipop!” said Steven.
“Very good, now it’s your turn Johnny!”, the teacher said.
Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, “A lamp!”.
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer. The teacher asked him, “Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?”
Last night when I passed my parents room”, Little Johnny answered, “I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it.”
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A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the …
A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”
The driver says, “Bout what?”
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One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: “My life is all math. …
One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch: “My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.”
